A Decidedly Odd Situation
by Fish-Inton
Summary: I apologise for the massive OOCness of this fanfic... it's the outcome of exams, and a sudden fangirly outburst of creativity. Heh...


Disclaimer: I do not own: Lucy, Benji Madden, Sonic the Hedgehog or Doctor Lecter.  
  
A/N: This is what happens to my brain when I have lots of exams, I thought I'd put this up because it struck a few of my friends as funny... in the most twisted of ways...  
  
Apologies to any Lecterphiles who... value... a certain part of the good doctor... I'm sure he's fine now... *nervous coughing fit* Apologies also for my total sick-mindedness... this is VERY weird...  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
As she slept, Lucy did not hear the window open with a low creak, nor did she see the man lean in the window and scour the landscape of her room with his maroon eyes... an endless sea of socks, t-shirts and laundry. Hearing the faint sirens nearing, the owner of those maroon eyes stood on the large windowsill and crouched, like a big cat waiting to pounce.  
  
Lucy, being the typical fidget she is at night, rolled out of bed and landed in a pile of socks with a muffled thump. The sudden movement, for she had rolled and fell very quickly, startled Doctor Lecter, for it was he, causing him to fall from the windowsill and into the sea of socks and laundry. Never in his life had he seen so much lingerie... not even at Marks & Spencers!  
  
"FUCKETY FUCK!" Yelled Lucy, standing, now completely awake. "WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT FUCKERING TAKE TODAY?!" she screamed for no apparent reason at a pile of socks.  
  
Lecter in the laundry became slightly disturbed and rather offended at the choice words spoken by the strange woman. He became even more disturbed when she screamed at a pile of socks... making him very confused indeed.  
  
Heaving a great sigh of agitation, Lucy stood and began to walk towards the door. When she trod on something slightly lumpier than the laundry, she stodded and prodded it with her toe, shrugging, she resumed her walk to the door. Fortunately for both Lucy and Lecter, she hadn't noticed the effects of what she'd done, nor had she heard the sharp intake of breath.  
  
Hannibal Lecter waited until he heard the bolt on the bathroom door slide shut before he began rolling around in the laundry in complete agony. The girl had indeed, managed to tread on his... well, surely you can guess. The door unbolted, the Doctor hadn't heard. He did, however, heard the few more choice words from Lucy.  
  
"Oh my... FUCK!" Luce exclaimed, looking at Lecter, still rolling around in the laundry like crazy. "What the fuck are you doing here?!" she questioned, wondering exactly WHAT it was he had been doing. He stood and regained as much composure as was possible, given his current... state.  
  
"F... B... I..." he managed to squeak.  
  
"And WHAT were you fuckering around on the floor for?!" Lucy asked, noting how he winced slightly at her language... not that she cared much.  
  
"You stepped on my-"  
  
"OKAY, moving on, don't wanna hear this!" Lucy cut him off quickly. She'd fallen out of bed, disturbing an entertaining dream including Benji Madden in fishnets and a french maid's outfit... she did NOT want the sick imagery forming in her head to take over her image of Benji. "You're okay, right? I mean, you don't wanna go check IT out..." Lucy trailed off, forcing the imagery away... BE GONE I SAY! "Bathroom's over there." she sighed and helped him across the laundry filled room.  
  
"I can go the rest of the way myself, thank-you." he told her and limped along the hall, taking his time.  
  
"Yeah, sure... I'm gonna go and... erm... make coffee..." Lucy said and descended the stairs. Standing at the computer, Lucy sorted through junk-mail, seven quizzes from her pals and her college coursework, conveiniently sent by her friend, Cath, who regularly helped her with her psychology coursework.  
  
Doctor Lecter came limping down the stairs, still wincing and grimacing on occasion. He was certain his eyes were about to burst forth from their sockets like cannons if he'd withstood anymore of... THAT. He was relieved to see a large ice-pack and mug of coffee on the counter, still piping hot.  
  
Lucy shut the PC down and went into the kitchen, she nearly jumpe out of her skin when the realisation hit her... she knew who he was now.  
  
"Uh... you okay?" she asked, looking at him warily.  
  
"I'll be... fine..." the Doctor assured her.  
  
"You should... umm... sit down... with the ice-pack..." Lucy said, looking around the kitchen.  
  
"I seem to be at your mercy, I shall be seated with the ice-pack, as you ordered, Miss?" the Doctor raised an eyebrow as he waited for an answer.  
  
"Hmmm? Oh, uh... Lucy, or Luce, either way..." she shrugged, "here, let me..." she helped Doctor Lecter into the seat and handed him the ice-pack.  
  
"I believe this is the best for both of us." he said, Lucy just nodded.  
  
"Spare me the sick thoughts..." she warned.  
  
The Doctor was soon feeling better with the ice-pack on his... 'afflicted' part.  
  
Lucy had somehow managed to hold in all of her giggles through their short conversation.  
  
"I... um... have to, erm... go upstairs for a bit, don't... hurt yourself." Luce repressed the urge to laugh aloud at the ideas forming in her head. She wasn't sure what to do next.  
  
Lecter sat at the kitchen table, looking around. He saw a large bookshelf across from him on the wall and decided to investigate. So, Doctor Lecter, the ice-pack and the chair scooted over to the bookshelf and, VERY carefully, the Doctor stood.  
  
To avoid anymore unecessary pain, Doctor Lecter had to stand with his rear end pointing outwards in such a fashion one might die of laughter. Lucy nearly did.  
  
Upon returning downstairs, Lucy spied the Good Doctor, standing most oddly, looking through the books on the large shelves. This time, she couldn't stop it. Lucy laughed til her face ached. She laughed til her stomach hurt. She laughed so much, she collapsed to the floor, grinning stupidly.  
  
"Something funny, Lucy?" the Doctor queried.  
  
"No, no, no... you just reminded me of one of those baboons. Y'know, the ones with their backsides constantly in the air... the ones with blue asses..." Lucy broke out into peals of laughter once more.  
  
"I wouldn't call my unfortunate situation funny, dear Lucy, how you find it so... entertaining is quite beyond me. You WERE the cause for my current state, were you not?" he said, attempting to stand normally. Unsuccessul in his attempts, Doctor Lecter decided to jut sit back down on the chair, being VERY careful as he did so. Lucy stopped giggling uncontrollably.  
  
"So..." she began, "WHY are you here again?" Luce asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"That's not important..."   
  
"Tell me."  
  
"No." he replied firmly, an icy edge to his voice.  
  
"If you don't tell me," Lucy towered above him, looking very menacing and evil, "I'll rip IT off." she threatened. Lecter instantly cowered in his chair. Torn between the choices fo lying and revealing his true reason, he decided...  
  
"I am here because the FBI are looking for me."  
  
"What did you do now?"  
  
"Gave a man a labotomy and fed him his own pre-frontal lobe... sauteed" Lucy felt herself turn green.  
  
"O...kay... WHY THE FRIG DID YU DO THAT?!" Lucy ranted, "WHO WERE YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS... HMMM?"  
  
"A... woman." he said quietly.  
  
"Who?" Lucy asked, raising the eyebrow once more.  
  
"Do you really want to know?" he asked her.  
  
"Yes, and if you don't tell me, I'll fry your brains!" Luce threatened.  
  
"And feed them to me? How original..." he sighed.  
  
"I know. So tell..."   
  
"An agent of the FBI... a warrior..."  
  
"You're gay now?" Lucy exclaimed and questioned all at once.  
  
"I TOLD YOU IT WAS A WOMAN ALREADY!" he yelled at her.  
  
"Oh, erm... I... knew that." Lucy nervously giggled. Lecter glanced at his coffee and poured it down the sink, conveniently next to his chair, so he hardly had to move. It was then that Lucy began to fume. If one observed closely enough, one would almost certainly see steam coming from her ears.  
  
"YOU JUST POURED COFFEE DOWN THE SINK! GOOD COFFEE! THAT'S LIKE ME TREADING ON YOU! THAT'S OUT OF ORDER! FOR GOD'S SAKE! YOU ARE SO FUCKERING STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPIIIIIIIIIID!" Lucy ranted at Doctor Lecter, who just smiled and regarded her with an amused expression plastered to his face.  
  
"Then that makes us even, wouldn't you agree?" He spoke calmly. Lucy couldn't be bothered to reply, so she punched him in the face, yelling "Judo Chop!" at the top of her lungs like a crazy-judo-ninja-kung-fu-knowing-madwoman. She had punched the Doctor hard enough to knock him unconscious for a while at least. "NOW we are even, Doctor." she said and picked up one of his feet. Lucy dragged Doctor Lecter down the basement stairs, feet first. At one point, she lost grip on his foot and he slid down the basement stairs, landing in a sad heap at the bottom. Sighing, Luce stepped over him and got a chair, she managed to sit him on it. Finding a large pile of rope, she tied his feet to the legs of the chair, then tied his torso to the back of the chair. Luce then went upstairs and began to stalk about the house for items of use for extra bondage... toilet paper was not suitable, making Luce slightly miffed. She rummaged in the closet then.  
  
"Where the flying dancing monkey fuck is it?!" she muttered as she rummaged. Suddenly, the phone rang, rudely interrupting her rummaging.  
  
"Hellooooo?" she answered.  
  
"Is this Lucy?" came a creepy voice.  
  
"Yep, who's this?"  
  
"I know what you did last summer..." came the voice again.  
  
"Me too, isn't that weird!" she thought for a second, "If you're going to leap through my window in a second and stab me to death wearing a hockey mask, forget it." Lucy hung up and waved out of the window at the guy outside, holding a knife, wearing a hockey mask, staring in disbelief from the bush at her window. He stormed off in a huff to find somewhere else to kill someone. Someone stupid perhaps... [Shifter nervously peeks from window]  
  
Lucy rummaged in the closet again til she found what she was looking for. "Aha!" she exclaimed, pulling from the closet... a pair of handcuffs... true, they were pink and fluffy, but they'd have to do. She returned to the basement, the Good Doctor was STILL unconscious. Lucy cuffed his hands to the chair then tied his hands to the chair, making sure he couldn't get out unless he used somesort of cleaver or knife or something sharp and pointy.  
  
Lucy went back up the stairs and filled a large bucket with freezing cold water. She returned down stairs and studied the Doctor from every angle. Deciding on an angle to attack from, Luce sloshed the water about in the baucket and then threw the water all over the man. He did not stir...  
  
Sighing with more agravation, Lucy went to her room, the place where it all went rather... pear... shaped for Lecter. She retreived a sock and returned downstairs, to... the basement...   
  
[cue maniacal laughter and scary flashing lights, resembling very fake lightning. Mr Hyde comes and kills us all. Woohoo, the end... we can go home, yay...]  
  
Lucy found a piece of copper piping lying on the basement floor, she put the sock opn the end of the pipe and, taking caution, she moved the pipe with the sock towards Doctor Lecter's nose. His nostrils flared and he inhaled, groggily returning to consciousness... then panicing.  
  
"GAGH! NO! GET IT AWAY!" he screeched like a possessed seagull, looking around the room, eyes not yet focused properly due to the unmistakable scent of... LUCY'S SOCKS!  
  
"YOU'RE AWAKE!" Lucy exclaimed with a celebratory yelp, then she began to do an insane little jig around the basement. The Doctor, now focused and in the REAL world, followed Lucy's dance and stopped himself laughing, instead he permitted himself a small, fleeting smile. Lucy chose that moment to accidentally drop the pipe on to her toes, "OW!" she yelled, hopping into the chair, sending both it and Doctor Lecter toppling to the floor with a loud crash.  
  
"YEOOOOOOOOOOW!" Lecter howled as he hit the floor. His right side had taken most of the fall, but that wasn't what the yelp-of-pain was for. [hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge...]  
  
"OH SHUT IT! STOP FUCKERING AROUND AGAIN!" Luce yelled. "IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A HOBBY OF YOURS! WHY DON'T YOU GO AND FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO BUG, HUH?! WHY MEEEEEE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!???!!!" Lucy ranted. Lecter winced many times in a row. He didn't want to die yet. Not like this...  
  
THIS IS NUTS...  
  
Then, as if hypnotised by a strange force, Lucy untied the Doctor.  
  
"What were the bonds for?" he queried innocently.  
  
"STOP QUERYING INNOCENTLY!!!" Luce screeched. Getting tired of the game, Doctor Lecter made a wild grab for Lucy, she hopped about and ran up the basement steps, Lecter followed speedily. [Shifter has moment of madness and does a Sonic impression, attacking the neighbour, who has an uncanny resemblance to Doctor Robotnik]  
  
Lucy ran outside and into the darkness, she then realised she was still in her pyjamas. This realisation gave her cause to stop and think, giving Lecter the chance to catch up to her. Lucy ducked out of his way and started running around the street like a headless chicken suffering from a severe case of Rigor Mortis.  
  
"You'll never escape!" Lecter yelled after her as she ran madly.   
  
"Wanna bet?!" Luce yelled and ran up to him, kicking him intentionally right where he lives... ouch... Lecter doubled over then and sank to the floor. Lucy ran into her house and called the cops. It wasn't long before hey had Doctor Lecter in the custody of the FBI. Lucy sighed and smiled from her window, she was safe.   
  
Well, right up until she saw the guy with the knife, wearing the hockey mask in her kitchen, covered in bits of hedge from the bush near her window, no longer staring in disbelief. Instead, he smiled wickedly and approached her, knife raised... 


End file.
